What better way then to just jump right back in with the posting? How about something light hearted? No? Yeah, I was going more for depressed and angsty teen myself...lol.


I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me. Am I incapable of loving someone right? There is nothing wrong with Joe, he’s strong and handsome, and he’s brave and controlled. He loves me that much, at least is clear, without a doubt he’d hang the moon for me. He’s really quite amazing. And yet….

 

When I broke up with Sam and drove all night to be with my family, that pain that break up felt as though someone had ripped out my heart, literally like I’d cut off my arm and didn’t know what to do. When I broke up with Dustin it was mainly relief, a little fear at not knowing if I’d find someone who liked me like that again, but when I tried to have my pity party he called and ruined the moment.

 

I’m not grieving for breaking up with Joe. I mean, I’m sad, I want to cry I’m scared, I’m full of doubt but…I just…did I make the right decision? He cared for me, loved me, he would have hung the moon for me, still would if I asked him to I bet but all of that….doesn’t –didn’t stop me from breaking up with him. I know it’s not what he wanted; I know it’s what I wanted.

 

Am I giving up on him? Is that what this feels like to him? I don’t want him to feel that way. I don’t want him to think that….that I didn’t find him worthy or that I suddenly found him unlovable. Because that’s not it at all, it’s more…it’s less. It’s complicated is what it is. He didn’t do anything wrong, I mean yeah ok he forgot my birthday but he more than made up for it. I just feel so stupid and selfish and now I’m hit with the insecurities of ‘am I going to fall in love ‘ ‘will I ever love with my whole heart’ ‘is it me who’s not letting myself fall in love because of fear’

 

Now that’s not to say I don’t love Joe. I do. In my own special way. I love him for who he is, including the depressed ball of ‘fine’ that he gets. I just want him to be happy, really and truly happy. And he may think that I’m the one who can do that but-but I just can’t help but feeling that I’m not. Last time I doubted myself about matters of the heart I lost someone who would have been a good friend. All because I didn’t cut it off when I knew I should have. I kept trying to give it a chance.

 

Maybe I really am destined to be alone. I can’t tell for sure. Maybe I am self-doomed to spend my romantic life alone, certainly not my entire life. I don’t know anyone else who has so many different circles of friends. It’s hard for me because I know I’ve got so many people I could go to. Shawnee, Kendal, Nicole, Rhonda, Becky, John, Joe, and that’s not including all the family I have that would do anything for me if I really needed it. I am constantly surrounded by love and people who love me. I just want to bring that to people but it seems like each time I try and bring that into a relationship I only end up hurting the people I care about.

I never wanted to hurt Joe. I chose not to stay with him because I didn’t want to lead him on when I felt like we wouldn’t last forever. He deserves so much in this life, so much in this world. If only he could realize how worthy he is, how much he needs and should have all of the laughter and love in the world. I can only hope that someday some girl will be able to love him back just as he loves. Because let us face it I’m selfish, I can’t love him back like that. Oh Gods if I could, believe you me I would. I would love him with my whole fiber of being. But I can’t and to try would be a lie and he doesn’t need a lie. He needs something real. Please Goddess, I beg you grant him happiness. If you do nothing else for me in life, and if I were to be on my own from here; please watch out for him, ease his path-help him find those who will help pull him up and out.

 

I don’t want him thinking this is something he did. But how can I say that to him? How can I word any of this to him without sounding….snobbish or rude or condescending or insincere? See? There are all types of things I would sound if I tried saying this to him. Instead I had to leave, knowing he wasn’t alright, knowing he was hiding himself off from me because that’s the choice that I made. It just hurts. I pray that he will open himself up to someone again. I know it’s conceded to think I’ve damaged him, I haven’t but I’m sure I’ve bruised his ego. And I know all about ego’s having one the size of ….I dunno something really large, larger than an elephant and bigger then a country. Maybe a planet. Ego the size of Jupiter maybe?

 

I just suck at these types of things. I’m not good in a relationship, I know what it’s supposed to be about and I understand the mechanics….sort of. But for the most part I fail at the practical bits of relationships. I wanted it so much with him, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with him. I mean other than his depression, which …yeah okay bit of a problem but that could have been worked through. And even then he still laughed with me. He makes me smile and laugh and …this leads me to believe that something must be wrong with me. Because no one could just end something they really cared about.

 

Great now I have self-doubt and emoness about me. I mean, I know come tomorrow morning I will get up and get ready and go out and look for work. I will laugh and smile and charm, and by the Gods will, I will find myself a job. It will suck ass, but it’s going to be a job so I can save to go to school. But my heart right now hurts. It hurts a lot. I hate breaking up. There’s so much pain in something that’s suppose to make you happy. I wish I could really understand myself and others.

I am so sorry Joe. I feel like I’ve failed you. Like I should have done more, been more, been happy with what you were offering me.  I just….

 

I go to bed knowing that I am fully loved, that my path that lies before me is where I am meant to be. It doesn’t stop the hurt of hurting someone else important to you though.

 

 

Ah, so much to tell and so little time. Actually  not that much to tell, I moved, reset myself up, got a boyfriend-ended up breaking up with that boyfriend, got a new boyfriend - keeping this one I think- and had a job, quit that job got another job and just quit that job today. I got a laptop today as well and hope to go to school in the spring. One stinking class to get my GPA up and then some financial aid and go to school full time by the fall symester. Well that's my goal anyway.

I promise to give a real, long and wonderful update later telling the full story. I'm just so excited to have a computer right now that I'm not done browsing around on it and downloading things I need. Like music....omg I need music. *goes on her next quest*

I'm locking all my old entries but I wanted to let everyone know I am live, just busy and I haven't gotten to livejournal in some time now. So until I can get a firm connection on the internet, live journal will have to sit and wait.

:D

lol my fandoms are full of batshit fans. it's cracking me up.  

Love

Because of you, in gardens of blossoming flowers I ache from the
perfumes of spring.
   I have forgotten your face, I no longer remember your hands;
how did your lips feel on mine?
   Because of you, I love the white statues drowsing in the parks,
the white statues that have neither voice nor sight.
   I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice; I have forgotten
your eyes.
   Like a flower to its perfume, I am bound to my vague memory of
you. I live with pain that is like a wound; if you touch me, you will
do me irreparable harm.
   Your caresses enfold me, like climbing vines on melancholy walls.
   I have forgotten your love, yet I seem to glimpse you in every
window.
   Because of you, the heady perfumes of summer pain me; because
of you, I again seek out the signs that precipitate desires: shooting
stars, falling objects.